An Open Letter to Ryan Tubridy

May 12, 2009

Ok Tubs. Do you mind if I call you Tubs? It’s a good handle I think. Besides, Ryan is clearly a surname. Someone dropped the bat down your end when naming day came round 30 odd years back.

Tubby, ol Tubs, I’m cool with it, y’know. Sure, I was, like, 96% sure that the gig was mine, but no, it’s cool man. Its all graaaa-vay so to saa-aay. It’s a good job, lot of work, more work they say…a Saturday night slot, but I think you can do it. Go for it, go for it.

I’m nearly positive that you are at least the 3rd best guy for the post, the first being me, the second being Steven Seagal (I have a rough draft of how The Seagal Sequence should go and a rough set design made up, call me RTE) . But yeah, 3rd place is good.

The Segal Sequence will blow minds

Answer my calls Steven, you cannot afford to not do this show.

It’s not first, but it’s not 4th, y’know?

It’s also not second. It’s just after that.

You played it smooth my man. I mean, as smooth as a 4 horse race could be run. And even then, 4 is a bit generous of me. Seagal has other commitments and well, Miriam? We both know why she would never of gotten it (Hint: breasts).

It was always gonna be either me or you, and they picked you.

But like I said, I’m cool with that. Word. Gravy baby.

I suppose you’ve thought about your desk. I know I did. Are you gonna still do ‘your microphone in the drawer so you can go out to the crowd and talk to them’ thing. Because I know, like, 5 or 6 people who really enjoyed that bit. Also, have you though about how much leg you want visible? It’s a big issue for viewers, Personally, I don’t trust an interviewer with clearly-visible legs. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I like to be able to ask himself if you’re wearing pants.

The desk I would of used

I have this ordered. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it now

A good one could be, about half way through the next season, you stand up for the first time and go to the crowd, but you’re not wearing any pants. It’d be a really Tubber moment, something that would define the move away from the previous regime.

I also can’t wait for when you get PJ Gallagher in again. Another interview with him is what license fee payers really need. In particular I think you ask him about his friendship with Jason Byrne. That’s an avenue that definitely hasn’t been explored often enough. Ha! And Jake Stevens. Wow. Yeah….Wow. Ask him about that.

What about your suit? Will you still wear a tie? I was gonna go for the dress down look, but, you know, when I heard you had gotten the job over me, I burned all my vests.

I know. I have like, zero vests now. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess it was anger. Not at you, you understand, because you are definitely, probably, capable of hosting the Late Late. But more at myself, for being not just being good enough to be in the running, but actually, genuinely, too good to host it. I guess my radical ideas and global sensation potential made RTE think that I should have my own show. I’m assuming they’ll give me the half 9 Saturday slot since your gone. I don’t think I’ll call it the Kennedy Tonight, that’s a bit boring I think, not that Tubridy Tonight was boring of course. Not at all.

Maybe something like, I dunno, The Kennedy Kasm? Paulbarer? Bend it Up Your Paul and have a Kennedy?

Too abstract?

Anyway, congrads and all that I suppose. Could you pass on a contact number for the Camembert Quartet?

New Job beckons for Paul Kennedy.

March 29, 2009

I was shocked too. I hadn’t even applied for it. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t even know the job was going. Instead of watching The Late Late Show last night, I was still curled up in a fetal state, wondering why God hated me so much and insisted on squeezing my brain for no foreseeable reason. To lose 24 hours of ones life is a terrible thing. A regrettable loss. But, considering the circumstances, understandable I suppose. I blame the cranberry sauce. I’ve never been one for it.

So, changes. For change must be brought in, lest I be associated with the previous regime, which, of course, I have the utmost respect for. 10 years is a long time in television. So many nuns interviewed, so many products shown, so many singer songwriters overpraised. I applaud your dedication. To bring back Brian Kennedy again and again, to be the platform upon which Eamon Dunphy pours his heart out about his possibly fictional father losing a possibly fictional job.

But association is only good when you have no talents of your own to show. And I have talents aplenty. Ones that can and will be showcased next Autumn. Talents that must be showcased, for I see a startling trend forming on The Late Late, a trend that may spell doom for it in a few short years, a few, ouh so short years, an hourglass has not just run out, but has fallen over, and is now rolling off the convoluted metaphorical table I have constructed. Constructed out of age, predictability and the obligation to get Ronan Keating on at least once a year.

But I’ve got a few ideas. These are still rough mind, me and the guys have only talked about it over the phone this morning about it. But I’ll share them with you so maybe you might flick on come Autumn.

First episode. 3 hours of interviewing Tommy Tiernan.

Well, I say interview. Its more of an intervention. It will feature such questions as: Why are you completely insane? When did you turn completely insane? Do you any plans to return to sanity and be funny again?

Episode 2 will consist mostly of me running over the 5 judges of Ireland’s talent arse thing or whatever it was called, in a Toyota Yaris, which I will give away at the end of the show. The footage will be interspersed with me beating the parents of the (cute?) semi-talented children who were deemed worthy of a shot at 50 grand over the actually talented adults.

Episode 3 will mostly be footage of me taking long walks with Grannie Seoige, talking about politics, literature and food. We will then go home and bake all night long.

The Toy Show will just be me playing with Scaletrix and Lego all night. I might share. I might not. Tune in to see what happens.

These are just a few ideas. Feel free to send me some suggestions and I’ll pass them on to the powers that be.

We’ll miss you Pat, but don’t worry. Your constantly changing chair is in good hands.