I was shocked too. I hadn’t even applied for it. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t even know the job was going. Instead of watching The Late Late Show last night, I was still curled up in a fetal state, wondering why God hated me so much and insisted on squeezing my brain for no foreseeable reason. To lose 24 hours of ones life is a terrible thing. A regrettable loss. But, considering the circumstances, understandable I suppose. I blame the cranberry sauce. I’ve never been one for it.
So, changes. For change must be brought in, lest I be associated with the previous regime, which, of course, I have the utmost respect for. 10 years is a long time in television. So many nuns interviewed, so many products shown, so many singer songwriters overpraised. I applaud your dedication. To bring back Brian Kennedy again and again, to be the platform upon which Eamon Dunphy pours his heart out about his possibly fictional father losing a possibly fictional job.
But association is only good when you have no talents of your own to show. And I have talents aplenty. Ones that can and will be showcased next Autumn. Talents that must be showcased, for I see a startling trend forming on The Late Late, a trend that may spell doom for it in a few short years, a few, ouh so short years, an hourglass has not just run out, but has fallen over, and is now rolling off the convoluted metaphorical table I have constructed. Constructed out of age, predictability and the obligation to get Ronan Keating on at least once a year.
But I’ve got a few ideas. These are still rough mind, me and the guys have only talked about it over the phone this morning about it. But I’ll share them with you so maybe you might flick on come Autumn.
First episode. 3 hours of interviewing Tommy Tiernan.
Well, I say interview. Its more of an intervention. It will feature such questions as: Why are you completely insane? When did you turn completely insane? Do you any plans to return to sanity and be funny again?
Episode 2 will consist mostly of me running over the 5 judges of Ireland’s talent arse thing or whatever it was called, in a Toyota Yaris, which I will give away at the end of the show. The footage will be interspersed with me beating the parents of the (cute?) semi-talented children who were deemed worthy of a shot at 50 grand over the actually talented adults.
Episode 3 will mostly be footage of me taking long walks with Grannie Seoige, talking about politics, literature and food. We will then go home and bake all night long.
The Toy Show will just be me playing with Scaletrix and Lego all night. I might share. I might not. Tune in to see what happens.
These are just a few ideas. Feel free to send me some suggestions and I’ll pass them on to the powers that be.
We’ll miss you Pat, but don’t worry. Your constantly changing chair is in good hands.