Quit wasting time ‘solving’ the problem, and ingenu me a workaround

August 3, 2009

Maybe I dreamed it all. Maybe, all those years ago, it was mud that we rolled in, frogs that we found in our hair and ducks chased us home after it all. We made boats instead of Go-Karts and we put on cream so we didn’t get burned by the fireplace.

What brought this on? Maybe the fact that it’s so wet that a few days ago, a bird (either because a narrowly missed rain induced suicide attempt or the wet made him so slick he lost all avionics) flew through my narrowly opened window, into my room, and went apeshit between my window and curtains for 2 hours.

This weather is getting is starting to get me down.

Meh, rain, hail, and shit, all very well, Global Warming will kill us all, we get it. Carbon tax, yup, great stuff. Global warming, the old adage; ‘But, uh, like, they why isn’t it, like, yeah, like, warmer, and stuff?’
Right, we know why.

Well, we don’t, but we know that global warmth equals sunless sky (or something).
But some people don’t understand the basics; they’re idiots, but I believe the problem is that half the world is seeping with idiotdom, and there’s not much we can do about that.

The argument that it’s caused by me burning turf, Barbies, money: fine, whatever. The argument that it’s caused by the natural cycles the Earth has been going through for millennia: woopy do, good for you. I don’t care.

What I do care about is the fact that I’m wearing a jumper and trousers in August.

Maximum I should be wearing is pants.

What we can do, is make them to get their asses in gear, and invent something that will warm me the fuck up while outside. Burn the rain, explodify the clouds and make the sun shine while my invisible skin paste simultaneously tans me and freezes cancer beams.

And by ‘they’ I mean you scientist people, with your tubes and Bunsen’s and poor cancerous lab rats running those mazes. And your cleverness.

Mostly your cleverness.

Come on people, get on it.

Fuck it, my TV is clear enough, I can make out eyeball cells for shit’s sake, that will do! There is no need to look any further into this field of invention. We are done here. The same goes for how many gigabytes I can store on my email account. Six is fine thanks (two was fine for shit’s sake), stop wasting your time making servers more efficient and invent me some damn sun revealing laser bazookas.

Shit’s sake.

Christ eating watermelons, the graphics in Gears of War are fine! There is no need to waste our clever people on this any longer! I’ll play pong with 7 inch thick lenses on if it’s sunny.


Not Pictured: Anything useful happening

How many people with above average intelligence are we wasting doing shit that is already perfectly acceptable? Yes, by all means, improve that baby death prevention drug, or whatever, but this shaving cream is fine thanks. I can put up with a little razor burn if I can go outside poncholess.

And could we stop all the reports into how its definitely getting warmer?

(What? The earth is heating up? Where do you get this information? 2007? THAT’S NOT RECENT ENOUGH!!!)

We know it’s getting warmer, and I’m pretty sure we have enough data to work with right now. Can’t we just invent something that turns dark clouds into light clouds using the most recent figures? Then we can just add some more molecule suspension fluid or whatever to make it work now. Throw some extra nanobots into the formula. And stuff.

How much time do we have to waste before you fix this? And I’m not talking about stopping Global Warming, just invent something so it doesn’t affect me any more.
Unless it’s, like, really easy to stop Global Warming. Then you should do that.

Come on people, let’s dump the Global Warming arguing over what does what bullshit and start the ‘Global We’re All Fucked Unless You Invent Something To Fix This Warming’ Movement. We need to get those clever people off the Persil ‘How Can We Make Them Even Cleaner’ sub committee and onto the Hailstone Prevention Grenade assembly line.

Cos till then we’re stuck inside watching pixel perfect Exposé.

Paul writes about his attempts to buy a toothbrush. Eventually.

March 24, 2009

I was walking to Dunnes the other day, right. Yeah, on the way to Dunnes, and, well, hard to say really. The usual dumped car was there, a Porsche too come to think of it.

Well, it mightn’t of been a Porsche, but I kinda see all nice cars as Porsche’s, because I really know not a lot about cars. I’d recognize a car from, say,  a lorry, but only from the side profile. Up front, God only knows, it might go back 9 feet, it might go back 30 feet, I am not in the know about such things.

Anyway, back to my semi-fictional story about going to the shop.

I mentioned this was semi-fictional right? I mean, I have been known to frequent the thriving consumer heaven that in The Bishopstown Dunnes Stores, from that tasty blond girl who I know wants me, to that tasty pensioner who I know wants me. Anyway, I needed a toothbrush.

That part wasn’t fictional. I did need a toothbrush. Its one of things that we all need really. So, in a way, saying I need a toothbrush could never be fictional, whether I had one or not, I would need it. Even if I was of the mind of not brushing my teeth, the need would still be there.

But some of this following story may of not actually happened. I have yet to see spindle shaped toothbrush packaging.

Anyway, I digress. Digression is useful here though, because, really, I have no idea what would happen next on this semi-fictional journey to Dunnes. Should I add some semi-fiction now? Perhaps I had best stick to the facts now, to set the scene, and then proceed into farcical whimsy later? Or perhaps not? Insert a likely event into a magical setting.

No, better I put my musings to a more worthwhile cause, one that will possibly be about a place that someone may have found memories of, so they can read this and go “Mmm…yes. I remember that place/situation. It was nice”. Because, I would like to think that someone, somewhere, would read this and think of something fond. A happy memory, times past where life was the colour of a healthy cheek, the shape of a well plucked eyebrow.

Also, perhaps, read aloud. So, at some moment, somewhere, buried in the static of snow capped cathode tubes, there could be me, musing on how happy I was that I could put capped and cathode together in a sentence, perhaps someone would then think of my beaming face as I you imagine me, chuckling like a mildly deranged loon at my own alliteration, that was in no way funny, but kept me amused for the duration of this sentence and hopefully when I go back over to spell check.

Deranged in the peaceful ‘I count floorboards but can’t look people in the eye’ loon, not the man-rape kind.

Of course, reading aloud could sometimes be seen as a bit mad, unless your surrounded by children, and then of course, the context of what your reading would have to be considered. For instance, words like context are unlikely to appear in a children’s fairy tale, or uttered by a Morbeg.

So, anyway, I’m standing there, looking at toothbrushes. 3 for 2, 2 for 1, 3 for 5, singled, doubled. Ones with plastic protrusions, ones with flexi-handles, ones with flexi-tips, ones with both that are just rolled around a sewing spindle. What to get? The eternal question. At what stage do I feel that my mouth is clean enough to be satisfactory? Do I want 2 euro cleanliness, or 5 euro cleanliness? Because 2 euro cleanliness feels pretty clean. For most of my life, it has sufficed. And I can’t imagine that 4 euro cleanliness is twice as clean as 2 euro cleanliness. It certainly doesn’t feel any cleaner. I look for percentages; “34% cleaner then the leading brand.”

Oh, that’s helpful.

Which brand is leading? I don’t know, these are not the questions I research before I shop for toothbrushes. I didn’t realize I should of done so. Silly me.

Leading brand…. all these brands have numerous toothbrushes. Which one is this brush 34% cleaner then? This flexi-handled one looks good, I can’t imagine any toothbrush giving me a 34% bigger cleaning sensation then that. Surely not.

Four for 89 cent? That’s….

Four for 80 cent? That’s 20 cent each. Does that do anything for my mouth compared to these others? These don’t flex at all. Surely these devil sticks would shatter upon impact with my gums, spearing through my cheeks, rendering me incapable of speech as I collapse over the sink, blood and toothpaste swirling into the drain like a famous Hitchcock scene. No, best keep away from those.

Yeah, I’m gonna need at least 3 bits where its flexes. And definitely gonna need some bristles where the angles are different. Oh, and that one over there with the rubber bristles at the side. I’m sure they’re completely necessary. Wouldn’t I look quite the fool in front of everyone as I speak, my mouth gaping up and down, in clear need of the cleaning that only 10 rubber bristles at either side of a toothbrush can provide.

I better get a few of the good ones I suppose, and chronicle their effectiveness against the evil germ nation that I’ve seen on TV. I’m not gonna let them get me, I’ve seen what they’ve done to those people in the pamphlets. Painting the mouth black and yellow, knocking down a few walls to create more space. I will not become a jaw-based home improvement show, no matter how much free furniture they offer me.

What toothpaste should I be using with these brushes? There’s a lot of them too…. do I need toothpaste? Maybe I should get some. I suppose I’ll have to get the right brand though. Surely Aquafresh wouldn’t work with a Crest toothbrush. The toothbrush might melt. Embarrassing.

“You see Paul the other day? Yeah, used the wrong toothpaste with his toothbrush. Talks like hes got a toothbrush stuck in his mouth”

My friends need to work on their similes.

What should I do I wonder? Tasty blond girl will surely laugh at my stricken state as she stacks the shelves, old lady surely feels my plight at this constantly accelerating dental world we find ourselves in.

Yes, I’d best just go home and research this further.

Paul Kennedy demands answers from Lyons, surprisingly gets some.

November 22, 2008

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your recent email, which was forwarded to my desk for handling.

Lyons tea bags are designed to be used in a cup. This advertising slogan is used as a simile to compare a tea bag in a cup and loose tea in a teapot. We are not suggesting that you need to buy a teapot to use your teabag. The pyramid tea bag has a lot of room in the pyramid shape to allow the tea to circulate so you can get the best from your tea bag.

However, I have passed your comments onto our Marketing/Advertising and Quality Departments.

Kindest Regards,

Angela Griffin.
Unilever Carelines.

From: webmaster@lyonstea.ie [mailto:webmaster@lyonstea.ie] On Behalf Of Lyons Website
Sent: 18 November 2008 00:41
To: Carelines; Grainne.Galvin@unilever.com
Subject: Contact from Website

Paul K

Relates to:Questions

Comments:From your website:
“Lyons pyramid teabags work like a teapot, allowing 50% more room for the leaves to move, giving you the best cup of tea possible”

What? A teapot? I have one thanks. I make tea in it, its pot-like, and theres ample room in it already. How much more room do these little guys need? And anyway, I always found the cup had more then enough room. I mean, I could probably jam about 20 to 30 teabags in there no problem and still stir.
I also notice my pot and cups are not even shaped like pyramids. What kind of tea pot should I be using? Three sides or four? Forgo sides altogether and go all sphere on its ass? Mines kind of cone-like, will that do? I need to be told these things. You can’t just say its got three sides so its got room to move like in a teapot, when 3-sided teapots are a rarity. You’re making no sense at all, Lyons.

And come to think of it, what do you mean about room to move, like in a teapot? Why would they need more room? The bags aren’t stuffed that full, I’d say only about a third full. Unless I’m wrong?
Just what the hell is going on in there? Do they even need this room? When you put just the tea leaves into a strainer (like some crazy people), they don’t move at all. I should I know, I’ve done this a few times before (I have been called crazy a few times). Are these tea leaves just neater? They have less stuff? Chinese? I’ve only ever seen black children advertising tea.

(Except for Barry’s tea ads, but those are just retarded)

Or, wait a minute, should I of been putting my teabags into a pot, and then put that pot into another pot before this? Your confusing me Lyons. Sometimes I put 2 bags in, do each of these need a teapot each or will one suffice? Would a covered cup in a teapot do? I only have the one pot, and these recession times are tough. And if I’m gonna to have to trawl the streets of Cork for two pyramid-shaped teapots, I’ll have to factor in travel expenses. This is spiraling out of control. I don’t think I even have the time.

Maybe I should ring the comments and questions line? I always wondered why you even fund such an operation, but clearly I was wrong. I’m confused, and I need some tea-related answers from the Lyons group. Are you just having us on? I don’t like being fooled Mr/Mrs Lyon. My rejection of Barry’s because of my hatred of their ads will only last so long. I need answers.


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I can’t help but feel that many of my questions have gone unanswered. Perhaps this is because they weren’t.
What about the shape of the tea pot or cup? Surely the fabric used means more room isn’t necessary?

This is nothing short of tomfuckery.