Quit wasting time ‘solving’ the problem, and ingenu me a workaround

August 3, 2009

Maybe I dreamed it all. Maybe, all those years ago, it was mud that we rolled in, frogs that we found in our hair and ducks chased us home after it all. We made boats instead of Go-Karts and we put on cream so we didn’t get burned by the fireplace.

What brought this on? Maybe the fact that it’s so wet that a few days ago, a bird (either because a narrowly missed rain induced suicide attempt or the wet made him so slick he lost all avionics) flew through my narrowly opened window, into my room, and went apeshit between my window and curtains for 2 hours.

This weather is getting is starting to get me down.

Meh, rain, hail, and shit, all very well, Global Warming will kill us all, we get it. Carbon tax, yup, great stuff. Global warming, the old adage; ‘But, uh, like, they why isn’t it, like, yeah, like, warmer, and stuff?’
Right, we know why.

Well, we don’t, but we know that global warmth equals sunless sky (or something).
But some people don’t understand the basics; they’re idiots, but I believe the problem is that half the world is seeping with idiotdom, and there’s not much we can do about that.

The argument that it’s caused by me burning turf, Barbies, money: fine, whatever. The argument that it’s caused by the natural cycles the Earth has been going through for millennia: woopy do, good for you. I don’t care.

What I do care about is the fact that I’m wearing a jumper and trousers in August.

Maximum I should be wearing is pants.

What we can do, is make them to get their asses in gear, and invent something that will warm me the fuck up while outside. Burn the rain, explodify the clouds and make the sun shine while my invisible skin paste simultaneously tans me and freezes cancer beams.

And by ‘they’ I mean you scientist people, with your tubes and Bunsen’s and poor cancerous lab rats running those mazes. And your cleverness.

Mostly your cleverness.

Come on people, get on it.

Fuck it, my TV is clear enough, I can make out eyeball cells for shit’s sake, that will do! There is no need to look any further into this field of invention. We are done here. The same goes for how many gigabytes I can store on my email account. Six is fine thanks (two was fine for shit’s sake), stop wasting your time making servers more efficient and invent me some damn sun revealing laser bazookas.

Shit’s sake.

Christ eating watermelons, the graphics in Gears of War are fine! There is no need to waste our clever people on this any longer! I’ll play pong with 7 inch thick lenses on if it’s sunny.


Not Pictured: Anything useful happening

How many people with above average intelligence are we wasting doing shit that is already perfectly acceptable? Yes, by all means, improve that baby death prevention drug, or whatever, but this shaving cream is fine thanks. I can put up with a little razor burn if I can go outside poncholess.

And could we stop all the reports into how its definitely getting warmer?

(What? The earth is heating up? Where do you get this information? 2007? THAT’S NOT RECENT ENOUGH!!!)

We know it’s getting warmer, and I’m pretty sure we have enough data to work with right now. Can’t we just invent something that turns dark clouds into light clouds using the most recent figures? Then we can just add some more molecule suspension fluid or whatever to make it work now. Throw some extra nanobots into the formula. And stuff.

How much time do we have to waste before you fix this? And I’m not talking about stopping Global Warming, just invent something so it doesn’t affect me any more.
Unless it’s, like, really easy to stop Global Warming. Then you should do that.

Come on people, let’s dump the Global Warming arguing over what does what bullshit and start the ‘Global We’re All Fucked Unless You Invent Something To Fix This Warming’ Movement. We need to get those clever people off the Persil ‘How Can We Make Them Even Cleaner’ sub committee and onto the Hailstone Prevention Grenade assembly line.

Cos till then we’re stuck inside watching pixel perfect Exposé.