The Fear

July 27, 2009

I’m scared. Genuinely fearful. House-hunting. I’m soon about to join those ranks again.
Well, I’m not ‘piss my jocks scared because the hills appear to have eyes’ –scared.

It’s worse then that.

How Clean Is Your House? Usually quite clean, thank you very much. But mine is the exception. Mine is the exception that proves that every other house, houses that are not mine, houses that have been rejected by the cold concrete foundations of civilization and are reverting back to the land that was once uncovered.

Grease. Grease that you wouldn’t believe; I have seen today on TV. One inch thick grease on an oven. Grease that has come to enjoy life, and willing to take it away. Grease that has annexed the counter top as it slowly encroaches up the wall and upon the fridge.
A fridge that doesn’t need this kind of agro. This fridge has problems of its own. The armies of mould have opened the lower gates and are now approaching the few compartments left with democracy.

The floor? What floor? Oh, this? This constantly moving layer we have here? This layer that consists mostly of used food cartons, pizza crusts and the manifestation of pure fear?
I suppose we could call this layer a ‘floor’, in that it’s below where you feet should be and still possibly above the soil.

Today, on this program-come-terror store, one of them (the large scary one), used mayonnaise to clean off some stickers from a drawer. Mayonnaise. Then she gazed into the big biker’s eyes and I swear to God, chatted him up. Incredibly unsubtly. Then she scraped off the stickers (with a plastic scraper mind, because then it doesn’t scratch). I think this was all foreplay of some kind.

Sexy, mayonnaise-themed foreplay.


Sexy, Frilly-themed foreplay

This is not the first bad house that they’ve cleaned you see. Supposedly, it’s some kind of ‘series’ which I take to mean as every house is like this. It must be. How else could they have 5 series of this? Where people live like poorly educated monkeys? These people seem normal. The guy today even had a passable girlfriend-type growth

He had a mother.
A mother!

I’m scared. Every house that is not mine and the 0.0005% of homes in Ireland I’ve visited are like this. They must be. Where else could these houses be?
And I’m gonna have to live like this too it seems.
I really don’t want to live like this.

So I’m going to have to ring them. I’m going to have to get to come to where ever I end up living, and get them to clean my house with mayonnaise. I really, really hate mayonnaise. And I don’t want to have sex with the large scary one. I really, really don’t. She had something bun-like on her yellow head.

Are all cleaners yellow? Is that why every other house is so dirty?

But it’s that or live in the eternal squalor that is not living at home or in any of the other places I’ve lived in or the 0.0005% of homes in Ireland I’ve visited. I can’t hack that. I can’t. It’s impossible. Unhackable.
What if I end up living with a biker? He definitely was a biker: he had a bike. I saw the smaller one with the strange mouth clean it. I don’t know with what.
It might of been ketchup. Or some other condiment.

Whatever it was, it worked. IT WORKED. What is happening here!?

I don’t want to live in a world where I have to clean with condiments. I thought I lived in a world where condiments on non-food items where some of the problem. I was wrong. Me and the 0.0005% of homes in Ireland I’ve visited were wrong. And I’m soon to live in one of the 99.9995% of homes I haven’t visited yet, so I will have to live with my wrongness. Mayonnaise-coated wrongness.

And that’s why I’m scared.

How to fry up the perfect fry. Any other way is wrong.

May 6, 2009

Fuck it, if Christopher Walken can tell me how to cook, then I can show the 5 people who read this how to too.

You will need:

2 pans, one large, one small. Small should be non-stick

Enough oil.

2 Rashers

4 Sausages

Fried Spud

An Egg

Toast, tea, etc.

Ok, a few things  first off. For any fry you need at least two Rashers, and three sausages, you must have fried spud and only one egg is ever needed. Otherwise it’s not a proper fry. To explain:

  • Fried spud turns a snack into a meal. Waffles will do if totally stuck.
  • Any more then one egg is unnecessary. If you find yourself needing two, you’ve eaten it wrong.
  • One rasher is not enough. The first one is only there to prepare you for the second.
  • Sausages are the reason you’re having a fry. Everything else is there to justify the fact that you want sausages, but don’t want to look weird by eating them on their own.

[Quick Paul Tip no#1 – If you’re having a meal of only one item, putting it in a bowl will make it look less pathetic]
I like to go for 2 rashers, 4 sausages, about 1 and a half sliced, medium sized spud, and 1 egg. Also, a large mug of tea and a minimum of 2 slices of white toast. I may add a slice of brown bread too. Proper brown bread, not pan.
Pudding is optional, but I only cook it if I have it, and I rarely have it.

1. Put a small bit of oil in both pans and warm the large one, heat mid way.

2. Cut the long streaks of fat along the edge of the rashers off. Leave the bit towards the end.

Fried fat doesn’t taste nice. Hard crispy does. This is were some people say to grill the rashers.
Those people are stupid. Grilling dries out them out too much.
FRY EVERYTHING. The grill is for pussies.

[Quick Paul Tip no#2 – I recommend the Irish Independent inbetween steps. Always hgave something to read when cooking. You won’t rush things if you have something to do between steps]

3. Throw the spud and sausages in first, together into the large pan.

Give em about the length of a medium sized sports article and then shake the pan. If the sausages are starting to brown turn them over a bit and flip the spud. If they aren’t, you’re reading too fast. Go back and take it all in, don’t skim it.
Repeat twice with the sausages but don’t flip the spud again till I tell you.
Put the lid on. Shake. Stick the pudding in now if you have it and treat as spud.

4. Warm the small pan at a very low heat.

5. Shake the large pan vigorously and wait.

I recommend Kevin Myers at this stage, or failing that, read a large politics article, but start to skim once you get half way. Drop a few lines from it into conversation the next day to sound well read.

6. Take the lid off and roll everything in the large pan to the side, lackadaisically flipping spud and pudding as you go. Place your rashers in gently.

Skim through the listings for any good shows that might supplement your meal.

7. Turn the rashers. Turn the heat down a notch. Cover and shake.
[Quick Paul Tip no#3 – I can’t emphasize shaking the pan enough. Its key. Trust me on this one.]

8. Crack your egg, put it into the small pan.

If your rashers are starting to leak like a third trimester-er, you have cheap rashers. Use the lid and spatula to help you pour the water out. Don’t leave it there, you’ll just end up with soggy, boiled food.

9. Throw a plate into the microwave for 30 to 60 seconds.

Pick a plate that fits the amount of food you have as best as possible. This is very important. If stuck, too little plate is better then too much plate. Trust me on this one.

10. Plus a little more oil into the small pan and tilt it so the entire egg is covered. Put back and cover.

11. Take the lid off the large pan the whole way, pause, then put it back on.

12. Shake the large pan like a motherfucker.

Skim the back-page and letters page for anything interesting

13. Gently twirl the small pan, like how you’d drown an ant in a small dish. Leave the lid on.
Turn on the kettle, put on some toast. Put your plate as close to the frying as possible.

14. Flip the egg and turn both rings off. Shake the large pan.

[Quick Paul Tip no#4 – Always flip the egg. even if you like em runny, a few seconds of flip is always needed]

15. Tea: Jesus Christ, scald the cup before hand. Put a bit of boiled water in the cup, swish it around, pour it out. You gotta have a warm cup.
Unless its cake, the only use for sugar is Lemsip. Keep that shit out of the tea. You’ll thank me three months from now when your thinking how did i ever put that shit in there.

16. Pour the tea and leave to brew.

17. Plate it all up.

Spud and sausages get their own section, everything else can be piled if you want. I’d recommend flipping the egg back so the plate looks alright.

18. Butter toast (Real butter, not spreadable), put on another load and start to eat. You shouldn’t need salt or pepper and if your gonna use ketchup, just throw it all to the dog now and cook some food that doesn’t have its own natural badass taste.

Right, checklist:

  • The spud should have crispy edges but soft centers, with a slightly yellowy tint.
  • Sausages should be brown all round, not just two sides, and which just a little bit of crisp when you bite in. Dunnes and Clonakilty ones fry the best I think. Denny and Galtee just seem to bloat up and then the sides get burnt and the ends get flakey.
  • Don’t ever get Tesco Sausages unless you like looking at small, withered penises, with the odd exploded one here and there.
  • The rashers should have a nice bite to them, but not crunchy.
  • The egg should have a bit of run to it, but not too much that it floods the plate. You want the option of dip, not a gravy substitute.


[Quick Paul Tip no#5 –If you want a fry, but only have eggs, Tabasco sauce in when frying will turn those fried eggs into a meal.
Fuck it, just put Tabasco sauce on everything