June 9, 2010

’Like’. Must we ‘like’ everything? Has the entire English lexicon, developed over thousands of years resulted in this one word being the universal verb of choice? Like or dislike? No sliding scale of likeness or disliking? No, this is the Internet — we’ve black, we’ve white, and grey is a malcontenting bastard who has no place here.

What was wrong with the traditional 5-star system of haphazard public appreciation? I may enjoy man gets hit in face by football somewhat. I then may stumble across man being bludgeoned with wet fish, and enjoy that slightly more. But to say that I ‘like’ both, with equal measure, suggests I just stalk through the Internet, purely travelling through broadband cables listening for thumps followed by groans.
And I don’t. Honest.

‘Like’ is such a useless, meaningless word without context. I like curry. I like chips with curry more. I like wellies when travelling through mud. Without mud, wellies are just sweaty and uncomfortable. HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT WELLIES, INTERNET?

More to the point, maybe I would like to follow updates from George Bush, Bulmers Pear, or I dunno, rampant discussion on that feeling when you think you’re about to sneeze but then don’t. But I don’t want to romp around the Internet, saying I ‘like’ any of these things. George Bush was a fool, anything Bulmers make is only fit for violent colonic irrigation and who actually ‘likes’ that ‘need to sneeze but can’t’ feeling?

Sneezing Liking

180,997 people actually like one of the most annoying feelings ever

When did liking become a substitute for having an interest in something? Has the Internet become so swamped in bad ideas that it’s just latched onto whatever is the current buzz word?

But no. No. It’s not the Internet is it? It’s Facebook.

It’s Facebook’s insistence on deepthroating every website out there with its business model suiting terminology until we all gag like the whores that we are, blandness spluttering out our mouths in long, goopy strands. Thanks to all knowing Facebook, I can ‘like’ countless banal shit and then inform people who probably have no interest in what I actually ‘like’, about what I ‘like’. And then clog up their already gushing newsfeed with useless information about how I like every single thing that observational comedians have been saying for years, along with how my level 83 Cow is killing zombie mob bosses. AND PLEASE, READ MY HOROSCOPE.

But that was always the way. I was used to this. Clever use of hiding and defriending helped me get over this. But now, every conceivable webpage or article is getting a ‘like’ button. Facebook is trying to be everything at once, and because of this, is resorting to a shitty, catch-all system – trying to blend what it began with doing (standard social networking) with Twitter, RSS feeds, social bookmarking, Digg and Reddit-style ranking systems, replacing YouTube’s admittedly shit but still far better 5-star rating system – the list goes on, – into a kind of all encompassing one stop website.

And it’s trying to do this with one, 4-lettered word. Even the ability to dislike is something that needs to be forcibly hammered into it. I see an ad for something – I can only ‘like’ it, or ignore it. Unless of course I make a new ‘community’ page or somesuch nonsense so I can loudly proclaim to the world how “Paul Kennedy likes disliking New Shitty Indie Band 2010 LOL!!!”

Stick to what you were good at, Facebook. Try to sell me shit if you want. Use my public information to give me targeted shite that I’ll still ignore. Screw it, as long as you keep it anonymous, sell it if you want. We put that shit up, it’s our fault if we don’t opt out and you use it.

But don’t seep into every orifice the Internet has. If I truly want to show my affection for something, I’ll put it up on Facebook myself, along with comments I want to make about it.

At least when Google takes over and makes robot clones of us (that do nothing but buy products and murder), they’ll do a damn good job of it.

Wordpress liking

Fill some meaningless, unrelated criteria  and you might even be able to ‘like’ this blog. But God help you if you do.