Thanks to my new connectons in RTE, I’ve been able to get my hands on some interesting Information. Its amazing what they keep on record here. And the office gets so boring when I insist on doing no work whatsoever, so it can be fun to look through the phone records.
Human Resources just gave them to me. They mentioned how I don’t have to work here till August, but if I insist of lounging around the offices, I might as well look into some allegations about bullying or something I dunno, I wasn’t really listening.
Sheana Keane: Hello?
Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh: Hi. Sheana. Its me.
B: Yeah, so how you been? Hows the vertigo’?
S: Oh, its, uh, its ah, its pretty good.
B: Wow. been talking to people much?
S: Well, yeah. Ummm…of course, y’know, the husband, my chil-
B: Yes, yes. who else? Friends? Friend that may or may not be working in RTE?
S: Well……yeah…sure, Sharon just rang me the other. And Gra-
B: Never mind, never mind that Grainne Seeooooo-ge. With her pretensions of the GAELIGE LANGUAGE. I WAS FIRST! DON’T YOU KNOW, I WAS FIRST!
S: Umm…..yeah, I mean, yes, of course Blathnaid.
B: You know what?
S: That your were, y’know. Fir-
B: First? I was first right? Oh, Dara O Brien, Brian, bastard, whatever, had notions, but I sorted him.
S: Um…yes. Yes of course Blathnaid. You did. You…uh…did.
B: Your friends in HR? Have you been talking to them at all?
S: Well. Yes, no, I mean. I had to tell them about the vertig-
B: Nonsense. Stop wearing those heels maybe. Showing your leg. You like that don’t you? You like showing your legs don’t you? Do you know who’s been on the cover the RTE guide the most?
B: Yes, of course it was me. ME! Vertigo.
S: …vertigo what?
B: You have vertigo? for 4 weeks? Stay away from buildings maybe?
S: Its not like tha-
B: What? N0. It is. I say it is. I was talking to an expert today on the show. Was I? Yes, I talk to experts, In know things. Dermot wanted to talk to him,.. her? But no…. No. I sorted him. He won’t be annoying me anymore.
S: What…what did you do to Der-
B: I was first you know. Before you came in with your Health Battalion or whatever it was called. First.
S: Health Squad.
S: It was called Health Squad.
B: What? Whats that got to do with anything? We’re talking about me and the RTE guide don’t you know? I been on the front the most you know. Did you know that? You did know that didn’t you?
B: Well…..isn’t that nice. You know everything don’t you? You just. Know. Everythiiinnnng….
S: Well, no. Ah…no.
B: Who’d you speak to in HR?
S: Well,.. it was Steve I think?
B: Steve. OUH!! Steeeeeeve. Good friends with Steeeeeeve now are you? You both like to hang around tall buildings and talk about baaaaalance. Do you? With Steeeee-veee? Do you? You do, don’t you?
S: Well, no. I just, had an…..issue. To…ah,… raise.
B: An issue was it? You had an issue, didn’t you?
B: With me? Was it? It was wasn’t it? You did raise an issue didn’t you? Didn’t I tell you do not do that? I did, didn’t I? Don’t you know how many times I’ve been on the front of the RTE Guide?
B: 13 times. I’ve been on the front 13 times. Did you know that? You did know that didn’t you?
S: Yes….. Yes.
B: And what does that mean? You know what that means? You do, don’t you? I’ve told you this before, haven’t I?
B: And I sorted her didn’t I? Anna? That lesbian. That dirty, filthy, lesbian. From English television? That English Television Star? She couldn’t cut it with me. No. Couldn’t cut it with me. Not I.
S: Well, I dunno if Big Brother counts as sta-
B:I had some Sheana-sized shoes fitted today. Do you know what I plan on doing with them?
S: ….crush me?
B: ….Like a bug. I won’t let you get away with this. You do know that, don’t you? Wheres Anna now? Wheres Anna? Ouh, here she is, UNDER MY SHOE.
S: …I’ll…I’ll retract it tomorrow.
B: Good girl. I might even let you be a co-judge on next year’s All Ireland Talent Show.
B: Really? No, of course not. You’re a talentless hack in the presence of Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh. Get out of my sight.
S: But… We’re on the pho-