‘The Future’ is here.

January 2, 2010

I’m not gonna bitch about how bad that decade was. I’m 22, and had more fun in the last 10 years then I did in the 10 before that. No Saved by the Bell, no Haddaway, no crushing disappointments of looking in the mirror when I was 12 to see undefinable hair and a septic forehead.

But it’s 2010 now, pretty much officially ‘The Future’, and most shit still remains mostly shit. Judgement Day has come and gone and shells haven’t even replaced toilet paper yet. I can’t believe we are still mostly subsisting on a 2 ply system of anal hygiene. Wesley Snipes has only committed some minor tax crimes: boring.
People are still killing and maiming, and locking the odd child or two in their basements. We should be past all this, surely?

Surely not. We’re humans. It’s what we do. We still have a problem where people kill elephants so they can have fancy chessboards. For God’s sake, we’re STILL playing chess with chessboards. Our expectations must of been too high.

So, I give to you a simple goal for 2020. Still Sci-fi, still awesome, but completely attainable:

Johnny Cabs.

Automated taxis. That’s all I ask. We have robots. We have sat-navs. 10 years is more then enough time to meld the two together into a people ferrying goop.

Johnny Cab

And no more pretending to care about their day.

An Open Letter to Ryan Tubridy

May 12, 2009

Ok Tubs. Do you mind if I call you Tubs? It’s a good handle I think. Besides, Ryan is clearly a surname. Someone dropped the bat down your end when naming day came round 30 odd years back.

Tubby, ol Tubs, I’m cool with it, y’know. Sure, I was, like, 96% sure that the gig was mine, but no, it’s cool man. Its all graaaa-vay so to saa-aay. It’s a good job, lot of work, more work they say…a Saturday night slot, but I think you can do it. Go for it, go for it.

I’m nearly positive that you are at least the 3rd best guy for the post, the first being me, the second being Steven Seagal (I have a rough draft of how The Seagal Sequence should go and a rough set design made up, call me RTE) . But yeah, 3rd place is good.

The Segal Sequence will blow minds

Answer my calls Steven, you cannot afford to not do this show.

It’s not first, but it’s not 4th, y’know?

It’s also not second. It’s just after that.

You played it smooth my man. I mean, as smooth as a 4 horse race could be run. And even then, 4 is a bit generous of me. Seagal has other commitments and well, Miriam? We both know why she would never of gotten it (Hint: breasts).

It was always gonna be either me or you, and they picked you.

But like I said, I’m cool with that. Word. Gravy baby.

I suppose you’ve thought about your desk. I know I did. Are you gonna still do ‘your microphone in the drawer so you can go out to the crowd and talk to them’ thing. Because I know, like, 5 or 6 people who really enjoyed that bit. Also, have you though about how much leg you want visible? It’s a big issue for viewers, Personally, I don’t trust an interviewer with clearly-visible legs. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I like to be able to ask himself if you’re wearing pants.

The desk I would of used

I have this ordered. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it now

A good one could be, about half way through the next season, you stand up for the first time and go to the crowd, but you’re not wearing any pants. It’d be a really Tubber moment, something that would define the move away from the previous regime.

I also can’t wait for when you get PJ Gallagher in again. Another interview with him is what license fee payers really need. In particular I think you ask him about his friendship with Jason Byrne. That’s an avenue that definitely hasn’t been explored often enough. Ha! And Jake Stevens. Wow. Yeah….Wow. Ask him about that.

What about your suit? Will you still wear a tie? I was gonna go for the dress down look, but, you know, when I heard you had gotten the job over me, I burned all my vests.

I know. I have like, zero vests now. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess it was anger. Not at you, you understand, because you are definitely, probably, capable of hosting the Late Late. But more at myself, for being not just being good enough to be in the running, but actually, genuinely, too good to host it. I guess my radical ideas and global sensation potential made RTE think that I should have my own show. I’m assuming they’ll give me the half 9 Saturday slot since your gone. I don’t think I’ll call it the Kennedy Tonight, that’s a bit boring I think, not that Tubridy Tonight was boring of course. Not at all.

Maybe something like, I dunno, The Kennedy Kasm? Paulbarer? Bend it Up Your Paul and have a Kennedy?

Too abstract?

Anyway, congrads and all that I suppose. Could you pass on a contact number for the Camembert Quartet?

Paul Kennedy demands answers from Lyons, surprisingly gets some.

November 22, 2008

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your recent email, which was forwarded to my desk for handling.

Lyons tea bags are designed to be used in a cup. This advertising slogan is used as a simile to compare a tea bag in a cup and loose tea in a teapot. We are not suggesting that you need to buy a teapot to use your teabag. The pyramid tea bag has a lot of room in the pyramid shape to allow the tea to circulate so you can get the best from your tea bag.

However, I have passed your comments onto our Marketing/Advertising and Quality Departments.

Kindest Regards,

Angela Griffin.
Unilever Carelines.

From: webmaster@lyonstea.ie [mailto:webmaster@lyonstea.ie] On Behalf Of Lyons Website
Sent: 18 November 2008 00:41
To: Carelines; Grainne.Galvin@unilever.com
Subject: Contact from Website

Paul K

Relates to:Questions

Comments:From your website:
“Lyons pyramid teabags work like a teapot, allowing 50% more room for the leaves to move, giving you the best cup of tea possible”

What? A teapot? I have one thanks. I make tea in it, its pot-like, and theres ample room in it already. How much more room do these little guys need? And anyway, I always found the cup had more then enough room. I mean, I could probably jam about 20 to 30 teabags in there no problem and still stir.
I also notice my pot and cups are not even shaped like pyramids. What kind of tea pot should I be using? Three sides or four? Forgo sides altogether and go all sphere on its ass? Mines kind of cone-like, will that do? I need to be told these things. You can’t just say its got three sides so its got room to move like in a teapot, when 3-sided teapots are a rarity. You’re making no sense at all, Lyons.

And come to think of it, what do you mean about room to move, like in a teapot? Why would they need more room? The bags aren’t stuffed that full, I’d say only about a third full. Unless I’m wrong?
Just what the hell is going on in there? Do they even need this room? When you put just the tea leaves into a strainer (like some crazy people), they don’t move at all. I should I know, I’ve done this a few times before (I have been called crazy a few times). Are these tea leaves just neater? They have less stuff? Chinese? I’ve only ever seen black children advertising tea.

(Except for Barry’s tea ads, but those are just retarded)

Or, wait a minute, should I of been putting my teabags into a pot, and then put that pot into another pot before this? Your confusing me Lyons. Sometimes I put 2 bags in, do each of these need a teapot each or will one suffice? Would a covered cup in a teapot do? I only have the one pot, and these recession times are tough. And if I’m gonna to have to trawl the streets of Cork for two pyramid-shaped teapots, I’ll have to factor in travel expenses. This is spiraling out of control. I don’t think I even have the time.

Maybe I should ring the comments and questions line? I always wondered why you even fund such an operation, but clearly I was wrong. I’m confused, and I need some tea-related answers from the Lyons group. Are you just having us on? I don’t like being fooled Mr/Mrs Lyon. My rejection of Barry’s because of my hatred of their ads will only last so long. I need answers.


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I can’t help but feel that many of my questions have gone unanswered. Perhaps this is because they weren’t.
What about the shape of the tea pot or cup? Surely the fabric used means more room isn’t necessary?

This is nothing short of tomfuckery.

The Open Sea Awaits Those Who Have The Balls To Take What They Need.

October 20, 2008

Stooped over my laptop, making a presentation, covered in my duvet because its FUCKING FREEZING!

Ok, to be honest, I’ve stopped doing the presentation, and I’m sitting as erect as possible without a back rest. But I am pretty cold. This ‘we’ll man up and not buy oil’ thing is getting old.


I’m gonna invade Norway. No one’s thought of that. Screw your Iraqs and the Saudis, Norway’s the 4th largest exporter of oil in the world. I’m gonna get me a piece of that hot, hot, oil spurting action.
Also, voted the most peaceful country in the world. Not anymore, Norway: I’m gonna fuck. Your. Shit. Up.
What you gonna do about it? Memorize me with your coastline? I’ve seen the Cliffs of Moher on a wet day, I think I can handle your jagged peninsulas and fjords. Distract me with picturesque Christmas holiday snaps? I watch TV, and getting a bit sick of those Budweiser ads to be honest.

Hitler took you down pretty easy that time. Where were Thor and Odin then eh? Too busy have sexy oil baths in the North sea no doubt, fucking about with ravens and hammers.
Baths in my oil. My oil.

So then, Oslo, consider this my declaration of war. Your oil is mine. Mano-ah-mano. You got your longboats, I’ve got plans in motion to steal the Jeanie Johnston.

I shall see you, young sirs, on the open seas.