Links to ramblings with a point to it all.

May 25, 2009

So once again, the tumble weeds abound. Too much Project in college, too much politicking outside of it.

Anyway, to continue as I started in the realms of shameless self promotion, here’s some links to my political pieces on youthmediaforeurope.blogspot.com

A little poem I wrote, also on Spunout.ie.

The most over the top account of a debate this side of GTA

A borderline rant on celebrities running for election


An Open Letter to Ryan Tubridy

May 12, 2009

Ok Tubs. Do you mind if I call you Tubs? It’s a good handle I think. Besides, Ryan is clearly a surname. Someone dropped the bat down your end when naming day came round 30 odd years back.

Tubby, ol Tubs, I’m cool with it, y’know. Sure, I was, like, 96% sure that the gig was mine, but no, it’s cool man. Its all graaaa-vay so to saa-aay. It’s a good job, lot of work, more work they say…a Saturday night slot, but I think you can do it. Go for it, go for it.

I’m nearly positive that you are at least the 3rd best guy for the post, the first being me, the second being Steven Seagal (I have a rough draft of how The Seagal Sequence should go and a rough set design made up, call me RTE) . But yeah, 3rd place is good.

The Segal Sequence will blow minds

Answer my calls Steven, you cannot afford to not do this show.

It’s not first, but it’s not 4th, y’know?

It’s also not second. It’s just after that.

You played it smooth my man. I mean, as smooth as a 4 horse race could be run. And even then, 4 is a bit generous of me. Seagal has other commitments and well, Miriam? We both know why she would never of gotten it (Hint: breasts).

It was always gonna be either me or you, and they picked you.

But like I said, I’m cool with that. Word. Gravy baby.

I suppose you’ve thought about your desk. I know I did. Are you gonna still do ‘your microphone in the drawer so you can go out to the crowd and talk to them’ thing. Because I know, like, 5 or 6 people who really enjoyed that bit. Also, have you though about how much leg you want visible? It’s a big issue for viewers, Personally, I don’t trust an interviewer with clearly-visible legs. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I like to be able to ask himself if you’re wearing pants.

The desk I would of used

I have this ordered. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it now

A good one could be, about half way through the next season, you stand up for the first time and go to the crowd, but you’re not wearing any pants. It’d be a really Tubber moment, something that would define the move away from the previous regime.

I also can’t wait for when you get PJ Gallagher in again. Another interview with him is what license fee payers really need. In particular I think you ask him about his friendship with Jason Byrne. That’s an avenue that definitely hasn’t been explored often enough. Ha! And Jake Stevens. Wow. Yeah….Wow. Ask him about that.

What about your suit? Will you still wear a tie? I was gonna go for the dress down look, but, you know, when I heard you had gotten the job over me, I burned all my vests.

I know. I have like, zero vests now. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess it was anger. Not at you, you understand, because you are definitely, probably, capable of hosting the Late Late. But more at myself, for being not just being good enough to be in the running, but actually, genuinely, too good to host it. I guess my radical ideas and global sensation potential made RTE think that I should have my own show. I’m assuming they’ll give me the half 9 Saturday slot since your gone. I don’t think I’ll call it the Kennedy Tonight, that’s a bit boring I think, not that Tubridy Tonight was boring of course. Not at all.

Maybe something like, I dunno, The Kennedy Kasm? Paulbarer? Bend it Up Your Paul and have a Kennedy?

Too abstract?

Anyway, congrads and all that I suppose. Could you pass on a contact number for the Camembert Quartet?


Spreading wildly outwards, like a flu that I’ve forgotten the name of

May 9, 2009

How do all. Twould appear that I am branching out a fair bit these days. Not content with project work seeping out of every nook and cranny that this poor, forsaken body has, I’ve more work taken on, this time in form of talking about politics.

Yup. Loser.

Anyway, I have to post shit up something like twice a week about the upcoming elections to the Youth Media for Europe Blog for the next month, with maybe some stuff appearing on the RTE Website at some stage during. Naturally everyone and their dead grandparents will hear about that if (WHEN) it happens.

Not that I can see that happening, capital lettered conjuctions aside. I can’t imagine RTE thinking much of my convuluted metaphors and ramblings. But anyway, read the above blog anyway and inform yerselves. If anything It’ll will make our drunken conversations more upper class.


How to fry up the perfect fry. Any other way is wrong.

May 6, 2009

Fuck it, if Christopher Walken can tell me how to cook, then I can show the 5 people who read this how to too.

You will need:

2 pans, one large, one small. Small should be non-stick

Enough oil.

2 Rashers

4 Sausages

Fried Spud

An Egg

Toast, tea, etc.

Ok, a few things  first off. For any fry you need at least two Rashers, and three sausages, you must have fried spud and only one egg is ever needed. Otherwise it’s not a proper fry. To explain:

  • Fried spud turns a snack into a meal. Waffles will do if totally stuck.
  • Any more then one egg is unnecessary. If you find yourself needing two, you’ve eaten it wrong.
  • One rasher is not enough. The first one is only there to prepare you for the second.
  • Sausages are the reason you’re having a fry. Everything else is there to justify the fact that you want sausages, but don’t want to look weird by eating them on their own.

[Quick Paul Tip no#1 – If you’re having a meal of only one item, putting it in a bowl will make it look less pathetic]
I like to go for 2 rashers, 4 sausages, about 1 and a half sliced, medium sized spud, and 1 egg. Also, a large mug of tea and a minimum of 2 slices of white toast. I may add a slice of brown bread too. Proper brown bread, not pan.
Pudding is optional, but I only cook it if I have it, and I rarely have it.

1. Put a small bit of oil in both pans and warm the large one, heat mid way.

2. Cut the long streaks of fat along the edge of the rashers off. Leave the bit towards the end.

Fried fat doesn’t taste nice. Hard crispy does. This is were some people say to grill the rashers.
Those people are stupid. Grilling dries out them out too much.
FRY EVERYTHING. The grill is for pussies.

[Quick Paul Tip no#2 – I recommend the Irish Independent inbetween steps. Always hgave something to read when cooking. You won’t rush things if you have something to do between steps]

3. Throw the spud and sausages in first, together into the large pan.

Give em about the length of a medium sized sports article and then shake the pan. If the sausages are starting to brown turn them over a bit and flip the spud. If they aren’t, you’re reading too fast. Go back and take it all in, don’t skim it.
Repeat twice with the sausages but don’t flip the spud again till I tell you.
Put the lid on. Shake. Stick the pudding in now if you have it and treat as spud.

4. Warm the small pan at a very low heat.

5. Shake the large pan vigorously and wait.

I recommend Kevin Myers at this stage, or failing that, read a large politics article, but start to skim once you get half way. Drop a few lines from it into conversation the next day to sound well read.

6. Take the lid off and roll everything in the large pan to the side, lackadaisically flipping spud and pudding as you go. Place your rashers in gently.

Skim through the listings for any good shows that might supplement your meal.

7. Turn the rashers. Turn the heat down a notch. Cover and shake.
[Quick Paul Tip no#3 – I can’t emphasize shaking the pan enough. Its key. Trust me on this one.]


8. Crack your egg, put it into the small pan.

If your rashers are starting to leak like a third trimester-er, you have cheap rashers. Use the lid and spatula to help you pour the water out. Don’t leave it there, you’ll just end up with soggy, boiled food.

9. Throw a plate into the microwave for 30 to 60 seconds.

Pick a plate that fits the amount of food you have as best as possible. This is very important. If stuck, too little plate is better then too much plate. Trust me on this one.

10. Plus a little more oil into the small pan and tilt it so the entire egg is covered. Put back and cover.

11. Take the lid off the large pan the whole way, pause, then put it back on.

12. Shake the large pan like a motherfucker.

Skim the back-page and letters page for anything interesting

13. Gently twirl the small pan, like how you’d drown an ant in a small dish. Leave the lid on.
Turn on the kettle, put on some toast. Put your plate as close to the frying as possible.

14. Flip the egg and turn both rings off. Shake the large pan.

[Quick Paul Tip no#4 – Always flip the egg. even if you like em runny, a few seconds of flip is always needed]

15. Tea: Jesus Christ, scald the cup before hand. Put a bit of boiled water in the cup, swish it around, pour it out. You gotta have a warm cup.
Unless its cake, the only use for sugar is Lemsip. Keep that shit out of the tea. You’ll thank me three months from now when your thinking how did i ever put that shit in there.

16. Pour the tea and leave to brew.

17. Plate it all up.

Spud and sausages get their own section, everything else can be piled if you want. I’d recommend flipping the egg back so the plate looks alright.

18. Butter toast (Real butter, not spreadable), put on another load and start to eat. You shouldn’t need salt or pepper and if your gonna use ketchup, just throw it all to the dog now and cook some food that doesn’t have its own natural badass taste.

Right, checklist:

  • The spud should have crispy edges but soft centers, with a slightly yellowy tint.
  • Sausages should be brown all round, not just two sides, and which just a little bit of crisp when you bite in. Dunnes and Clonakilty ones fry the best I think. Denny and Galtee just seem to bloat up and then the sides get burnt and the ends get flakey.
  • Don’t ever get Tesco Sausages unless you like looking at small, withered penises, with the odd exploded one here and there.
  • The rashers should have a nice bite to them, but not crunchy.
  • The egg should have a bit of run to it, but not too much that it floods the plate. You want the option of dip, not a gravy substitute.

Enjoy.

[Quick Paul Tip no#5 –If you want a fry, but only have eggs, Tabasco sauce in when frying will turn those fried eggs into a meal.
Fuck it, just put Tabasco sauce on everything
]