Paul Kennedy demands answers from Lyons, surprisingly gets some.

November 22, 2008

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your recent email, which was forwarded to my desk for handling.

Lyons tea bags are designed to be used in a cup. This advertising slogan is used as a simile to compare a tea bag in a cup and loose tea in a teapot. We are not suggesting that you need to buy a teapot to use your teabag. The pyramid tea bag has a lot of room in the pyramid shape to allow the tea to circulate so you can get the best from your tea bag.

However, I have passed your comments onto our Marketing/Advertising and Quality Departments.

Kindest Regards,

Angela Griffin.
Unilever Carelines.

From: webmaster@lyonstea.ie [mailto:webmaster@lyonstea.ie] On Behalf Of Lyons Website
Sent: 18 November 2008 00:41
To: Carelines; Grainne.Galvin@unilever.com
Subject: Contact from Website

Paul K
paulky45@hotmail.com

Relates to:Questions

Comments:From your website:
“Lyons pyramid teabags work like a teapot, allowing 50% more room for the leaves to move, giving you the best cup of tea possible”

What? A teapot? I have one thanks. I make tea in it, its pot-like, and theres ample room in it already. How much more room do these little guys need? And anyway, I always found the cup had more then enough room. I mean, I could probably jam about 20 to 30 teabags in there no problem and still stir.
I also notice my pot and cups are not even shaped like pyramids. What kind of tea pot should I be using? Three sides or four? Forgo sides altogether and go all sphere on its ass? Mines kind of cone-like, will that do? I need to be told these things. You can’t just say its got three sides so its got room to move like in a teapot, when 3-sided teapots are a rarity. You’re making no sense at all, Lyons.

And come to think of it, what do you mean about room to move, like in a teapot? Why would they need more room? The bags aren’t stuffed that full, I’d say only about a third full. Unless I’m wrong?
Just what the hell is going on in there? Do they even need this room? When you put just the tea leaves into a strainer (like some crazy people), they don’t move at all. I should I know, I’ve done this a few times before (I have been called crazy a few times). Are these tea leaves just neater? They have less stuff? Chinese? I’ve only ever seen black children advertising tea.

(Except for Barry’s tea ads, but those are just retarded)

Or, wait a minute, should I of been putting my teabags into a pot, and then put that pot into another pot before this? Your confusing me Lyons. Sometimes I put 2 bags in, do each of these need a teapot each or will one suffice? Would a covered cup in a teapot do? I only have the one pot, and these recession times are tough. And if I’m gonna to have to trawl the streets of Cork for two pyramid-shaped teapots, I’ll have to factor in travel expenses. This is spiraling out of control. I don’t think I even have the time.

Maybe I should ring the comments and questions line? I always wondered why you even fund such an operation, but clearly I was wrong. I’m confused, and I need some tea-related answers from the Lyons group. Are you just having us on? I don’t like being fooled Mr/Mrs Lyon. My rejection of Barry’s because of my hatred of their ads will only last so long. I need answers.

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I can’t help but feel that many of my questions have gone unanswered. Perhaps this is because they weren’t.
What about the shape of the tea pot or cup? Surely the fabric used means more room isn’t necessary?

This is nothing short of tomfuckery.


Nation left reeling after Radio DJ attempts to re-live past glories

November 22, 2008

I’m sorry D’Arcy, but you can’t do that. You just can’t.

Colin Murphy is a Comedian, he gets paid to do this shit on a Comedy show. Its not The Late Late, its not Tubridy. Ok, its about as funny as Tubridy these days, but thats not the point. The point is, you can’t go ‘shush’ to Colin Murphy because you wanted to continue to lap at Kevin Myers’ buttocks. Go on Ray, gaze into his eyes a bit harder, you might be able to get a pity invitation to one of, his parties.

(I’m pretty sure Kevin Myers doesn’t even have parties, I’ve never been invited.)

Shush? You even put your finger up and wagged it a bit. Colin was no doubt about to leave us grabbing our sides for fear of having to clean up our kidneys and liver from the floor. I don’t care about your no doubt ‘insightful’ question. Leave that shit for your radio show in between blathering on about your baby spawn.

And for god’s sake, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU’RE FROM KILDARE ANYMORE! How many times must you bring up the fact that your from the gloried Dublin suburb that is Kildare? You’ve got a race track, I couldn’t give two ass’s.

For anyone who didn’t see The Panel tonight, suffice to say, our beloved presenter of The Den of old, is dead to us now.


My New Favourite Thing

November 3, 2008

I’ve got a new favourite thing don’t you know. Bet you can’t guess it. Don’t bother to be honest. Dunno why I even have the following four paragraphs. Skip to the end if you want to be disappointed. I mean while will type for typing’s sake.

My new favourite thing. Is it my new found urge to get my assignments done? Nope, not that anyway. Even if I believed I had it, it’d hardly be my favourite thing. Especially considering I’m still churning out the same ol’ shit that always seems to be the bare minimum above average to still take buckets of time without getting high marks.

No, its not my hat. Though it is a fine hat, worthy to encompass my flowing locks that will soon be encroaching upon my backside. It was free too. Yes, free. Well, not really free. ‘Frees’ too strong a word. But so is ‘stealing’. I’m liking ‘obtained’.
But no, not my favourite thing.

My diminished levels of beer-drinking and hell-raising? Don’t even piss me off by uttering this. Or by commenting “But Paul, you were out a few nights ago. Blah, blah, blah, mleeeellah!!!” Got nothing to do with it.

And no, its not my newly developed ‘get-up-and-go-to-college-ya-lazy-bum’ attitude. Thats more like the really annoying girl that sleeps beside you, but thats all she does, hogging the bed covers. Yeh its comforting but its more of a pain in the ass to tell ya the truth.

Nope, my favourite thing, my new favourite thing that is, is The Apprentice with our very own Bill Cullen.
Why?
Cos it reminds me once a week that the retarded shit I do in college is just the way of life these days.

And thats comforting.

In a way.