Call to David McRedmond of TV3: I can punch the Dáil onto your TV screens.

So, the Dáil is irrelevant. So says TV3 chief executive David McRedmond. Needs to be more “punchy”.

Well, fancy that. He does have a point, I suppose. If the Dáil is to get the extra TV coverage that it wants, then it might have to sex itself up a bit. The times I’ve masturbated to The Oireachtas Report’s mostly tedious, wobbly-jowled visuals is far lower then Play TV, TV3 Flagship Cancelled Show.

Strange that.

But, relevant to what? Television? Other below average masturbation aids? He says that that it doesn’t appeal to his channel’s audience. So, taking TV3’s audience as the kind of people who watch Xposé, Ireland AM, Man with Debilitating Head Problem, then I take that to mean, calling up all my TV and Entertainment experience, is that what the Dáil needs is a green-screen, some Sybil MulCahy, and a large dose of irrelevant shite that’s of no real benefit or entertainment value to anyone.

Which is ironic.

However, obvious gaps in logic aside, if TV3 were to deliver some kind of Dáil coverage that needs to be fresh, compelling and dare I say, “Punchy,” then I have a few ball dropping suggestions; laying the groundwork for a show that could run and run, as the plebs gape on in a strange mix of fear, awe and pity.

You’d have to bring in some new talent, some new faces, young, hip, sexy, y’know the kind. Maybe you hold this talent search over the course of a few weeks or a month, some kind of national star search, and then televise it weekly or even daily? Some contestants could form, like, alliances or groups, or something like that and help each other win the approval of the nation.

And then, at the end of say, a 5 or 6 show run, you could have some kind of national phone in, or a kind of census, where we can all decide who has the most star quality. Well, I say all, but it’d have to be over 18 of course, it’s gonna be a pretty sexy, “punchy” show.

Michael Bay could direct, he’s just gotten into reality TV, and I got a couple of tins of green paint and a Multimedia degree, so I can definitely do some Xposé style green screen techniques. Anyone up for some floating 3-dimensional talking heads?

Get on to me, David, I’m full of ideas. The Steven Seagal Sequence and Van Damme’s Vapidy Veto are still up for grabs.

RTE have done it again: Awesome.

YESSSSS!!!!! FUCK. YES!

UGGGGG, YEAH, FUCKING-A!!!!

RTE, charity, reality, FUCKING FAMOUS PEOPLE!!!! YES!!!!

OUH! BABY!

I am honestly excited. Why? Because, my sources (Me and Ryan still keep in touch), and some elbow grease on my part (Mooney loved every second of it) and I have managed to watch the first episode of the new RTE Reality Show that-is-also-some-charity-thing, Lords of the Ring¹.

Which entails: guess what? It actually gets 10 people that we know (and love!) and puts them in a boxing ring.

And holy shit,… I don’t want to give anything away. But…

Holy shit, Joe O’Shea actually kills a dude.

Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t of told you that. But my God. He actually punches a guy so hard, his ribs collapse and he’s like, shitting blood on the mat. It’s disgusting, but probably the most metal thing I have ever seen. And then he grabs the camera, and says, “RTE, this is what you get for replacing me with some chick’s fucking sister.”

HELL YES! He actually just tosses the F-bomb out like that, and just walks off, like he didn’t just punch a guy so hard his legs snapped off. He then drink drives his way home.

Honestly, the legs are still there, standing on the mat. Steaming.

But that’s not the best part.

The best part, the really best part, is that Lee Sharpe is in it.

The Football Master!

The Invisible Man!

Loves Meningitis!

Fuck. Yes.

¹ This also involved a small amount of time travel

Bullying? And here was me thinking Blathnaid was lovely. OK, I never thought that.

Thanks to my new connectons in RTE, I’ve been able to get my hands on some interesting Information. Its amazing what they keep on record here. And the office gets so boring when I insist on doing no work whatsoever, so it can be fun to look through the phone records.

Human Resources just gave them to me. They mentioned how I don’t have to work here till August, but if I insist of lounging around the offices, I might as well look into some allegations about bullying or something I dunno, I wasn’t really listening.

——-

*Click*

Sheana Keane: Hello?

Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh: Hi. Sheana. Its me.

S: Oh.

B: Yeah, so how you been? Hows the vertigo’?

S: Oh, its, uh, its ah, its pretty good.

B: Wow. been talking to people much?

S: Well, yeah. Ummm…of course, y’know, the husband, my chil-

B: Yes, yes. who else? Friends? Friend that may or may not be working in RTE?

S: Well……yeah…sure, Sharon just rang me the other. And Gra-

B: Never mind, never mind that Grainne Seeooooo-ge. With her pretensions of the GAELIGE LANGUAGE. I WAS FIRST! DON’T YOU KNOW, I WAS FIRST!

S: Umm…..yeah, I mean, yes, of course Blathnaid.

B: You know what?

S: That your were, y’know. Fir-

B: First? I was first right? Oh, Dara O Brien, Brian, bastard, whatever, had notions, but I sorted him.

S: Um…yes. Yes of course Blathnaid. You did. You…uh…did.

B: …

S: ….

B: HR?

S: ….what?

B: Your friends in HR? Have you been talking to them at all?

S: Well. Yes, no, I mean. I had to tell them about the vertig-

B: Nonsense. Stop wearing those heels maybe. Showing your leg. You like that don’t you? You like showing your legs don’t you? Do you know who’s been on the cover the RTE guide the most?

S: Umm….you?

B: Yes, of course it was me. ME! Vertigo.

S: …vertigo what?

B: You have vertigo? for 4 weeks? Stay away from buildings maybe?

S: Its not like tha-

B: What? N0. It is. I say it is. I was talking to an expert today on the show. Was I? Yes, I talk to experts, In know things. Dermot wanted to talk to him,.. her? But no…. No. I sorted him. He won’t be annoying me anymore.

S: What…what did you do to Der-

B: I was first you know. Before you came in with your Health Battalion or whatever it was called. First.

S: Health Squad.

B: What?

S: It was called Health Squad.

B: What? Whats that got to do with anything? We’re talking about me and the RTE guide don’t you know? I been on the front the most you know. Did you know that? You did know that didn’t you?

S: …Yes

B: Well…..isn’t that nice. You know everything don’t you? You just. Know. Everythiiinnnng….

S: Well, no. Ah…no.

B: Who’d you speak to in HR?

S: Well,.. it was Steve I think?

B: Steve. OUH!! Steeeeeeve. Good friends with Steeeeeeve now are you? You both like to hang around tall buildings and talk about baaaaalance. Do you? With Steeeee-veee? Do you? You do, don’t you?

S: Well, no. I just, had an…..issue. To…ah,… raise.

B: An issue was it? You had an issue, didn’t you?

S: Well….

B: With me? Was it? It was wasn’t it? You did raise an issue didn’t you? Didn’t I tell you do not do that? I did, didn’t I? Don’t you know how many times I’ve been on the front of the RTE Guide?

S: …uh…n-

B: 13 times. I’ve been on the front 13 times. Did you know that? You did know that didn’t you?

S: Yes….. Yes.

B: And what does that mean? You know what that means? You do, don’t you? I’ve told you this before, haven’t I?

S: Yes…yes.

B: And I sorted her didn’t I? Anna? That lesbian. That dirty, filthy, lesbian. From English television? That English Television Star? She couldn’t cut it with me. No. Couldn’t cut it with me. Not I.

S: Well, I dunno if Big Brother counts as sta-

B:I had some Sheana-sized shoes fitted today. Do you know what I plan on doing with them?

S: ….crush me?

B: ….Like a bug. I won’t let you get away with this. You do know that, don’t you? Wheres Anna now? Wheres Anna? Ouh, here she is, UNDER MY SHOE.

S: …I’ll…I’ll retract it tomorrow.

B: Good girl. I might even let you be a co-judge on next year’s All Ireland Talent Show.

S: …really?

B: Really? No, of course not. You’re a talentless hack in the presence of Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh. Get out of my sight.

S: But… We’re on the pho-

*Click*